An emu apparently appeared from out of nowhere near the German—Swiss border and caused a major international incident.

After German police, reacting to reports of a wayward emu near the town of Grenzach-Wyhlen, failed to catch the bird, a small army of veterinarians, zoo officials and Swiss police was called in, News.com.au reported.

Despite the excessive size of the group, nobody could contain the frantic emu, so German marksmen were called in to finish him off.

“We managed to shoot the bird, but we are still trying to find out how it got here in the first place,” a spokesperson for a German police department said.

“No bird farms or zoos in the area say they are missing an emu. It is a mystery.”

Queen’s guard chews off chicken head

A member of the Queen’s royal guards has been disciplined after a video was posted on YouTube that showed him biting the head off a live chicken.

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The 22-year-old member of the Household Cavalry’s elite Scots Guards regiment, Craig Briercliffe, is seen to spit the head out while the bird’s wings continue to flap, the Sunreported.

The graphic footage quickly gained attention on YouTube, where it was posted with the heading “who feels like chicken tonight?”

“He is in serious trouble,” a Scots Guards source told the paper: “As a member of the Household Division it’s his job to guard the Queen and we expect all our men to conduct themselves accordingly.”

Police inquiries led them to the offending soldier, who was fined for criminal damage.

“He was very remorseful for what he had done,” a spokesman for Lancashire police said. “This was a drunken and sick joke. We will be speaking to the Web administrators to ensure that such material is not posted again.”

Lawyer sues over gnawed nipple

From the sensible litigation capital of the world, this week comes the story of an American lawyer who is suing two pet owners for US$1million ($1.2 million) after their dog allegedly bit him on the nipple.

Attorney William R Cohen’s claim arises from an unfortunate incident in a local park in Boca Raton, South Florida’s Sun Sentinel said.

Steve Bushouse was walking with family members and their two-year-old Jack Russell terrier, Taz, when the dog got into a small argument with some of his canine friends. According to Bushouse, Cohen stepped in and grabbed Taz, causing the animal to lash out and chew on his nipple.

Now for most civilised adults, a friendly bite on the nipple in public is no great cause for concern. Not so for Cohen, who has claimed a “loss of sexual comfort and desire” that can only be compensated with a cool million in greenbacks.

As part of his claim, Cohen has accused Taz of a habit of “viciously biting humans”, despite the fact that he had never previously encountered the dog. The attorney said that his damages claim was for loss of income, medical treatment, and general damages for pain, suffering and physical disfigurement.

Owner of mashed Enzo sues bus company

The owner of a rare Ferrari Enzo that was mauled by a bus is suing for £300,000 ($727,299) in damages.

According to the Daily Mail, Frank Mountain, a wealthy property investor, has issued a High Court writ that accuses the bus driver of reckless behaviour. The driver’s employer, bus company Wilts and Dorset, disputes the claim.

Mountain alleges that the bus came too wide around a bend onto the wrong side of the road and struck his £600,000 ($1.5 million) Enzo, sending it into a Volkswagen Golf. The Golf was a write-off, but the hand-built, limited issue Enzo was sent back to Italy for repairs.

According to the newspaper, the driver, Thomas Doyle, 54, says he was not at fault. But that didn’t stop the following reaction from his old lady: “My wife Christina was furious. She said: ‘you couldn’t have been in an accident with anything cheap could you’”.

Lack of chilli sauce inspires shooting

A man who was upset at not being given 10 sachets of chilli sauce when he demanded them decided to try to improve the situation by shooting the restaurant manager.

According to theMiami Herald,the world’s most irrational man entered a Wendy’s restaurant drive-thru in Florida and ordered a Caesar salad, five chicken nuggets and a bowl of chilli, whereupon he demanded 10 sachets of sauce.

When cashier Susan Byrob-Fimo had the nerve to tell him that she was only allowed to distribute three sachets, the man’s anger began to rise.

Even an attempt by the Wendy’s manager Renel Frage, 20, to placate the man failed. Incensed with the lack of sufficient chilli sauce, the man took out a weapon and shot at Frage many times, hitting him in the shoulder.

“He hadn’t checked his bag because I had given him 11 packets of chilli sauce,” a surprised Flage said from hospital. “I was trying to be nice.”

According to the wise folk at Miami-Dade police, “it is ridiculously sad that someone would almost take someone else’s life over something so trivial”.

Teacher ‘defamed’ by student video

A mathematics teacher in Indiana is suing four of his students for defamation after they made a film about an evil teddy bear that orders other stuffed animals to kill a character baring his name and resemblance.

The film, entitled The Teddy Bear Master, allegedly mocks the teacher, Daniel Clevenger, by teasing his mannerisms and appearance through a character known as ‘Mr Clevenger’, The Associated Press reported. The law suit also alleges “graphic depictions of violence”, culminating in the murder of Mr Clevenger and his wife, Christine.

“The defendants intentionally created the Teddy Bear Master and intentionally used the plaintiff’s name in such a way that would provoke a reasonably foreseeable emotional disturbance or trauma,” the lawsuit claims.

Lawyer for one of the boys, Jackie Suess, described the lawsuit as misleading.

“It’s not true that [the Clevengers] were murdered in the movie,” she said. “It was literally stuffed animals being manipulated by the boys, walking around going ‘yeow’ and talking in funny voices. Very juvenile.”

This is not the only lawsuit involving the school, Knightstown Intermediate School, and the students. Two months ago the school settled a federal action filed by three of the students to fight their expulsion. The settlement included US$69,000 ($82,716) and ordered the students’ suspensions and expulsions be expunged, the news service said.

Indian hostesses fired for being fat

After fighting what they claimed was unfair dismissal for more than a year, a group of Indian Airlines flight attendants have failed in their bid to return to work after being fired for being too fat.

According to The Times, the Delhi High Court did not agree that the employer’s decision was unreasonable and demeaning, suggesting instead that they try to shed a few pounds.

“If the air hostesses are asked to battle their bulge … it is not understood how it is in any way unfair, unreasonable and insulting,” judge Rekha Sharma held. “If by perseverance the snails could reach the ark, why can’t these worthy ladies stand on and turn the scale?”

Though the airline said the decision upheld its right to maintain regulations of its crew, one of the hostesses said the finding was “unconstitutional”, the paper said.

“This is very disappointing,” flight attendant Sheela Joshi said. “They think the planes have become catwalks and we’ve all got to be models. How does your weight affect your efficiency as a crew member?”

Under the airline’s previous rules, staff could only exceed their maximum, doctor-defined natural weight by 10 per cent. This weight allowance was thinned down to seven kilograms and then to three kilograms, only to be ditched completely last year.

The paper said that the airline was motivated to ground the women in response to rival Kingfisher Airlines’ claim to have the nation’s most beautiful attendants, with short skirts and high heels.