Website RollOnFriday has brought further news of the mysterious underbelly of British justice.

A UK judge became incredibly unpopular after dismissing a racism charge on the one hand, while advising a defendant that a better choice of description for a police doctor would have been “fat bastard”.

Judge Paul Darlow put forward his esteemed views after hearing the case against Matthew Stiddard, 36, who had been charged with committing a racially aggravated offence, the website said.

Stiddard had apparently told Dr Jhetman he was a “f***ing Paki” and refused to be treated by him, requesting instead an “English” doctor.

But according to Justice Darlow, the doctor should have “let it roll off his back” when he was so unnecessarily abused by Stiddard. The case was dismissed, Darlow finding no cause for distress in the affronted Dr Jhetman. And in sending Stiddard on his way, Darlow advised the man to “next time call him a fat bastard and don’t say anything about his colour”, the website said.

A statement was later released by Darlow in which he said the charge, in his view, was disproportionate, and that his remarks “were not intended to make light of racist remarks”.

What does the firm slogan say about you?

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Taking a good look at Australian law firm slogans, it’s hard to know who can best service clients’ needs — they all sound so damn appealing!

Is the ‘Clear Thinking’ that only Allens can offer better than some good old-fashioned ‘Straight Talking’ from Middletons? Maybe what clients really want is to be whisked away on the Mallesons journey, ‘Going Beyond’ … something or other?

If none of these appeal, how about Clayton Utz’s I.C.E cold approach? ‘Innovation Creativity Expertise’ all sound useful enough — but over at Deacons you get not one ‘I’ but three!

Deacons’ ‘Intelligent Innovative International’ will get you a third of what Clutz is bringing to the table, with some worldly smarts to rival their imaginative know-how — tough choice, that one. To make matters worse, Ebsworth & Ebsworth is similarly deep in the Innovation game, with Integrity and Excellence added to spice things up a little.

But if two or three specially chosen words just don’t cut it for potential clients, Freehills offers a veritable essay with their E.A.A.P.O.O six-shooter (pronounced e-ar-poo). ‘Expert Advice, Approachable People, Outstanding Outcomes’ seems to cover all the basics, but can Freehills still claim to be ‘Making Business Sense’ like those level-headed Corrs folk?

Over at Herbert Geer Rundle it’s all about you (‘Individual clients, Individual solutions’), so if you’re not a sole trader then perhaps you should look elsewhere. Clients could try the ‘Connected Talent’ at TressCox. But without knowing exactly what the talent is connected to, they could be setting themselves up for a disappointment. If the talent is connected to the photocopier, for instance, it may have trouble making lunch meetings in the city.

Finally, firm McCullough Roberson promises its clients ‘Success. In business’, but this too should be taken with caution. After all, these are two separate sentences — the firm’s success may be referring to recognised achievements in ballroom dancing or ping pong.

Firm Christmas competition

The following account of the selfless entertaining of colleagues at the firm Christmas party was sent in as part of our Christmas confessions competition:

One of the events at our firm’s Christmas party I had organised was afternoon lawn bowls.

We headed down in the drizzle hoping that it would brighten up. Unfortunately it did not, so we ended up having a few drinks in the bar. The club was not prepared for such a big turnout and we ended up being served wine in small vases, and when we asked for tequila shots all they could find was Malibu.

After a few drinks I thought, “This party needs a bit of a lift”, and decided to tinkle on their old piano. I found myself singing every one of the seven songs I wrote and composed as a child — one being about my cat Candy.

After I had pushed everyone to near insanity it was decided to call the mini bus I had pre-booked to come early — however, it never turned up. The team started to grab taxis to a decent bar away from my piano playing, however, I ended up having to wait for the bus in the rain to our next venue with my managers.

It was defiantly a hilarious Christmas party to remember!

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