A 24-year-old shop assistant in the UK had to ask a ‘customer’ to repeat himself because she could not understand what he was saying. Nothing unusual, except that he was demanding that she give him money, and was actually trying to stage an armed robbery. The problem was, he had disguised himself so well in his winter woollies that he couldn’t open his mouth to talk properly.

Michaela Sobor said she only realised she was being held up when the man pushed behind the counter and pointed a gun at her. “I just thought he had wrapped himself up warm because of the cold weather,” she said. Once his intentions were clear, the man was able to get away with more than £1,000.

Look at that ass

It took police officers in the Greek town of Patras over an hour to catch a gang of teenage thieves, who led them through the town’s winding streets and narrow alleyways as they made their escape — on a cart pulled by a donkey. The chase, described by one witness as “unbelievable”, only ended when the boys came to a dead end. Police caught the trio, aged between 13 and 15, with a safe from the local hospital on the back of their cart.

Bit of a cock up

Browsing through The Sydney Morning Herald on Saturday, one of your Folklaw correspondents read the page three story about the courageous Louise Yaxley, one of six Australian women road cyclists involved in a crash in Germany this year. Particularly touched by the anecdote that fiancé Mark Padgett had written inspirational phrases on a whiteboard in the couple’s kitchen to keep Yaxley’s spirits up, your ever-vigilant reporter turned to the accompanying picture of the aforementioned whiteboard.

Point one was nice — “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”. Point two was good — “you never fail unless you quit”. Number four indicated that pain was merely weakness leaving the body, but by the time we got to point number six, Yaxley had obviously decided to get her own back.

VIEW ALL

Fed up with inspiration, she took to the board with the words “Mark’s penis is this big”, with an indicative diagram to illustrate her point. And who said the media creates gross invasions of privacy?

The following quotes are from a

book called Disorder in the

American Courts, and record things

people actually said in Court, taken

down and now published word for

word by court reporters who had

the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually

taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually

active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you

in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and

Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia

gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways

does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you

give us an example of something

you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son,

the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I

can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he

lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the

individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium

height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or

a female?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the

next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 21-year old, how old

is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s 21.

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh......

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning

pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have

you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

people.

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined

the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.

TTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on a table wondering why I

was doing an autopsy on him!

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then, it is possible that the patient was

alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practising law.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to

you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was

taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?