Going from 1 child to 2 ‘reshapes everything’ for lawyers

Maxiom Injury Lawyers founder and principal Sach Fernando vividly recalls the day his second child, Arielle, was born: after a short rest following helping the midwife with the delivery, he opened his laptop in the maternity ward. Another dad spotted him typing away, he said, and asked – in a horrified tone – why he was having to work, and who he worked for. Fernando responded, he told Lawyers Weekly, that he “had a terrible boss, and that [he] was self-employed”.

Going from one to two kids, he said, “reshapes everything”.

Once their second child arrived, Fernando said, he quickly learnt that whatever semblance of balance he thought he had “was really just a temporary illusion”.

Earlier this year, I reflected on having been a father for 12 months and what it had taught me about being a dad while also being a member of the legal profession.

“Fatherhood has, since the moment my son arrived in the world one year ago, been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Yes, there are hurdles, which often seem insurmountable. However, the visceral joy and pleasure that being a dad brings not only makes one a better person but also a better legal professional,” I wrote back in March.

What I have also come to appreciate, over time, is that adding another child to one’s brood adds layers of nuance and complexity to both working life and the homestead.

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Here, five senior lawyers – including a GC, two BigLaw partners, and two boutique principals – detail their own experiences of managing multiple children, what works and doesn’t work, and how they have become better parents and practitioners as a result.

The myth of balance

For Hamilton Locke partner Nick Edwards, the concept of work/life balance is “a noble, but ultimately unobtainable one”, particularly for lawyers.

“Over the last six years of being a dad, I’ve realised you can have it all, just not all at once. And you need to work hard for it, and hard at it,” he said.

“You can’t be fully present with your kids and partner, and work. It’s not possible, and ultimately, it is unfair to an area of your life.”

It is why, Edwards said, the fear of failure creeps in so much.

“You are trying so hard to be the best at many things – inevitably, you fall short of your own expectations. That is entirely normal in my view. If you didn’t have these moments every now and then, you’re not aiming high enough,” he said.

“In saying that, you do need to try to set boundaries (which I am not great at) and try to set aside time for family. The flipside of that is making it clear when work priorities need to be dealt with, but also not making every deadline at work a big deal.”

Thomson Geer partner Aimee Riley offered similar sentiments, noting that working parents in law can’t have it all at once.

“Be realistic [about] what you can and what you can’t do at this point in time in life. With three small children, it means I can only infrequently attend the gym, and that is OK, because it is just for this age and stage, it isn’t forever,” she said.

“Flexibility isn’t just for the workplace; it needs to be for your mindset. Prioritise the must-haves to enable you to show up, and then nice-to-haves are optional items that if you can do them, great, but if you can’t, well, you are keeping small humans alive, and if yours are anything like mine, it seems they do everything they can to endanger themselves.”

In going from one to two kids, Fernando said, the juggle becomes “less about perfect scheduling and more about pure survival, doing what I could, when I could, and trying to be fully present in whichever role needed me most”.

“Splitting yourself between a newborn, a toddler, and a business is exhausting. I gave up on the myth of balance, and focused instead on doing what was necessary: being there for my wife, my kids, my clients, and keeping myself healthy through early-morning gym sessions, clean eating, and learning from parenting and business podcasts. I try to spend individual time with each child on weekends, involve them in cooking, and FaceTime them whenever I’m interstate,” he said.

Setting boundaries

This said, having multiple children means being pulled in more directions, and as such, it’s “really important” to set your own boundaries and stick to them, Who Gives a Crap head of legal Kate Sherburn said.

“When I’m working, I focus entirely on my job. When I’m with my family, I am fully present with them. Don’t try to be everything to everyone all at the same time; it’s a recipe for disaster.

“I set non-negotiables. A key one for me is walking my kids to school each morning, and making sure we eat dinner together. Even if I have to jump back on after they’re in bed, I will always prioritise family dinner time.”

Riley said: “When you are at work, you are at work; when you are at home, you are at home. Being half in both doesn’t work, and ultimately someone loses out.”

“I found, more often than not, it was my children and my stress levels.”

She added: “This doesn’t mean you don’t take calls or respond to emails when you are at home, but it means being strategic with when or how you do those things (for example setting a strict time frame, say, five minutes to have a call and wrap it up when that time runs short, or reviewing something at a time where you know the baby/toddlers are more controllable or asleep).”

“With my clients, I set their expectations; I will proactively let them know when they can expect to hear from me, when their matter will commence, etc. I set boundaries around when I am and am not contactable. I might work late from time to time, but I rarely send emails to clients at times which I ordinarily do not want to be contacted. Instead, I do things like schedule emails to send first thing in the morning.”

Being open with one’s partner, colleagues, and employers

If lawyers haven’t already tapped into their workplaces to discuss the transition of going from one child to two, Atmos head of first response Reece Corbett-Wilkins said, “now is the time to do it”.

“Communicate with your team about your needs (which may be as simple as leaving at 4pm to do school pick up) and how you will support your team around that (for example, being online early to help settle anything due that day),” he said.

“Speak to other working parents in the team to understand what works for them. Tips and tricks like setting out your working days in your email signature or intranet and just being clear with how you will manage deadlines all make it easier on you and your team (and your home life!)”

Sherburn said: “The amount of support you get from your employer is crucial.”

“I’ve experienced everything from an extreme eye-roll when daycare called about a sick kid, to the other end of the spectrum, where I got supportive messages and reminders to put my family first when I updated my Slack status to ‘juggling sick kids’.”

“What I’ve learnt is that as the number of children increases, so does the complexity and the juggle. And while I thought it would get easier as they get older, I’ve found it actually gets more challenging.”

As such, part of this equation, Sherburn said, involves leading by example.

“One of the benefits of the hard slog we have been through is that we can make it better for the next generation coming through,“ she said.

“By making our family life visible to our colleagues, we give unspoken permission to do the same, leading to a healthier professional environment.”

Such open communication then also needs to extend into one’s home, Edwards said. Noting that his wife is a senior associate at a national law firm, he’s found that clear communications and expectations with one’s partner is “critical” in ensuring success.

“Understanding what you’re each trying to achieve and focus on is important. This will change on a day-to-day basis and will be impacted if one person is taking parental leave or not,” he said.

“I don’t think we do a bad job at it, but it is a work in progress. And it needs to be, as people’s demands change (especially if one person is migrating back to work) and the kids’ focus changes as well.”

Being easy on yourself

It is also essential to give oneself a break – something that does not always come naturally to lawyers.

“In time, you will get into a rhythm and cadence of juggling being in two places at once, juggling two parents’ careers, and in nurturing two little people through their own journey. At times you may feel lost, wondering why isn’t this getting easier,” Corbett-Wilkins said.

“Remember, the little things matter. Religiously managing the family diary. Communicating who is going to be where and when. And being kind to yourself and to each other.”

Lawyers must also, he went on, become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

“What you thought worked with number one may not work for number two, but in time, you will get there,” Corbett-Wilkins said.

Lawyers need to let go of their guilt, Sherburn argued, and stop worrying about whether or not they are good parents.

“If you are thinking about that, you’re likely doing a great job. Bad parents don’t tend to reflect on that,” she said.

“The control that our typical lawyer brains tend to favour has to relax, and flexibility becomes a must. Accept the chaos and do what works for your family, rather than comparing yourself to others.”

Part of this process, Riley said, is leaning into shared responsibility: “Perhaps the biggest change for me moving from two to three children and taking on the role as partner was having to ask for my husband (who is a doctor) to take on more of the family duties. My biggest learning was that it is OK to not do it all yourself.”

Another aspect of responsibility, Sherburn pointed out, is showing your kids that your career is important and that you enjoy what you do.

“I think that’s an important life lesson. But when I’m with them, they know that they are the most important thing to me,” she said.

Making the most of the time you have with the kids

In managing the pivot to having a second child to care for, Edwards said, spending one-on-one time with both of them is crucial, even when they’re little.

“The jump from one to two children is exciting, but bloody daunting. Albeit you know what to expect, the juggle and lack of sleep is still very real. Not only do you need to lean into the newborn phase (especially as a dad to help where you can), you have another small person relying on you,” he said.

“Some of the best advice I was given is to make sure your first child doesn’t feel like they’ve fallen down the pecking order. It is very easy to ask them to wait or get annoyed as they look for attention.”

“It’s important, however, they know they are still a priority, which is, of course, difficult when you’re juggling work and two competing children, but the little moments do count.”

Edwards has two children – one who is six years old and the other is 18 months old – who are “very similar in many respects, but demanding in different ways.

“It is actually easier when we have both boys as they can distract each other, but they both have an innate ability to find you when you need to send an urgent email or take a critical call. Clients are still generally pretty understanding if they hear a baby in the background, less so a small precocious child,” he said.

To this end – and cribbing from comedian Tom Segura – Edwards said what he has learnt is the need to appreciate moments, as opposed to being upset about not having lots of time.

Using the village

And, for everything else, lawyers need to know when they have a village, and also when they should pay for that village, Riley advised.

“If you have a village, get comfortable having uncomfortable conversations about realistic commitments they can make, no judgment, but this will allow you to make the best decisions for what paid help you may need,” she said.

“Knowing this allows you to make the best plan for your children, what you can commit to from a work perspective but also for the family budget. If you need to pay for the village, that is OK. Get clear on what your non-negotiables are; things will change as the children’s needs change. Be good at communicating when you need change in the support offered or the tasks for the role.”

Sherburn supported this, saying: “You absolutely need to build your village. You cannot possibly do this alone. Don’t wait to be offered help; proactively ask for help.”

Advice for lawyers and employers

Employers, Fernando said, need to trust their people.

“Flexibility and empathy don’t reduce performance; they enable it. When you support working parents, you earn loyalty, create psychological safety, and build a high-performing team that cares about the work just as much as you do,” he said.

Law firms and team leaders need to better recognise the competing priorities of their staff, Edwards added.

“Ultimately, it is about empowering people to dictate their day a little – empowered staff get the job done and deliver for clients. This is not just parents, but anyone. As lawyers, we are paid according to output and service delivery. But we have 24 hours in the day to do so,” he said.

“Now, deadlines aside, it may mean some people work early, others late. But having trust in the people who work to deliver. It is also about colleagues (without kids) not excluding people and indeed stepping up to help. At Hamilton Locke, we encourage high-functioning teams who look out for each other and pick up each other’s slack when they need to.”

Conclusion

Fatherhood, Fernando declared, has made him a better practitioner. He is, he said, “more patient, efficient, empathetic, and practical. These qualities flow directly into how I support clients with life-changing injuries, especially those with children”.

Riley made similar remarks: “I am a better mother when I am engaged in the workplace, and I am a better person because of my children. Both of these things have positive impacts on the opposing pull – work versus home.”

Ultimately, taking into account all of the above guidance and relishing in the little moments that one has with one’s partner or kids, “amongst the backdrop of work and the noise of life, is good for the soul and motivation”, Edwards deduced.