‘The goal is not to become bulletproof’: Lawyer challenges family law’s resilience culture

But Brintyn Smith, barrister and mediator at Brintyn Smith Barrister, has warned that simply putting one foot in front of the other is not necessarily a sign that a lawyer is coping with the realities of the work.

Smith has drawn attention to the emotional intensity woven into family law, where lawyers can find themselves navigating some of life’s most confronting moments alongside their clients, before being expected to move almost immediately from one emotionally demanding matter to the next.

“Family lawyers regularly work alongside people experiencing fear, grief, anger, uncertainty and significant personal crisis – however that is defined or experienced,” he said.

“We are exposed to allegations of violence and abuse, entrenched parental conflict, children experiencing distress, and clients who may genuinely believe that they are at risk of losing some of the most important relationships in their lives.

“The emotional intensity can be considerable, yet the structure of legal practice often requires us to move almost immediately from one difficult matter to the next.”

For Smith, that constant exposure can create a hidden toll. Lawyers can become so accustomed to absorbing difficult experiences, managing pressure and simply getting on with the job that they may not recognise the point at which coping begins to give way to burnout.

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“One of the particular challenges of family law is that lawyers can become very good at continuing to function, even when they are not necessarily functioning well,” he said.

The emotional weight of family law can creep up on lawyers in ways that are easy to miss, with Smith warning that disrupted sleep, anxiety, withdrawal and fading empathy can all signal that the demands of the work are beginning to take a deeper toll.

“Over time, that exposure can have a cumulative effect. It may present as irritability, disrupted sleep, difficulty disengaging from work, increased anxiety, withdrawal from family or colleagues, loss of empathy, or a growing cynicism towards clients and the profession,” he said.

Yet, Smith warned that one of the most easily overlooked signs may be the absence of emotion altogether, with lawyers potentially mistaking numbness for resilience.

“Sometimes the warning sign is the opposite of obvious distress: a person notices that matters which once affected them no longer evoke any emotional response at all,” he said.

“That is important, because emotional numbness can sometimes be mistaken for resilience.”

‘Lawyers are not immune’

Drawing on his own experience of being assaulted at court, Smith stressed that lawyers are not somehow shielded from trauma simply because navigating difficult and confronting situations is part of their professional role, and that being able to handle something professionally does not mean it carries no personal impact.

“My own experiences have made me particularly conscious of the fact that lawyers are not immune from trauma simply because dealing with difficult circumstances is part of our professional role,” he said.

“Following my assault at court, I had to understand the difference between being capable of carrying difficult material professionally and assuming that it should have no personal impact.”

While professional composure can be essential when navigating highly challenging situations, Smith said it should not come at the expense of acknowledging what those experiences may leave behind.

“Trauma impacts us in such unique ways, and ignoring it, or pretending it does not happen, is unrealistic, and doesn’t serve ourselves well,” he said.

He urged lawyers to develop a strong awareness of their own baseline, arguing that changes in sleep, relationships, emotional responses or engagement with life outside work can provide an early indication that something has shifted.

“I think one of the most useful things lawyers can develop is an awareness of their own baseline,” he said.

“When there is a sustained change in how we sleep, think, relate to others, respond emotionally, or engage with the parts of life outside work that normally matter to us, that deserves attention.”

Rather than waiting for those changes to become impossible to ignore, Smith encouraged family lawyers to recognise them early and take steps to address them before they escalate into a crisis.

“The aim should be to recognise those changes early, rather than waiting until someone reaches a point of crisis,” he said.

Rethinking what resilience means

Resilience has long been treated as a defining quality of legal practice, with lawyers expected to withstand intense pressure, absorb difficult experiences and bounce back.

Smith, however, is challenging that traditional understanding, arguing that resilience should not be measured by how effectively someone can simply carry on.

“I have a reasonably strong view about the way the word resilience is sometimes used within the profession,” he said.

“I often say that resilience is not simply about bouncing back. We are not balls.”

Smith stressed that genuine resilience is not about downplaying difficult experiences or pretending they leave no lasting impact, but about acknowledging what happened and understanding how those experiences have changed us.

“Difficult professional experiences can change us. Trauma can change us. Some cases will remain with us long after they have formally concluded,” he said.

“Genuine resilience, in my view, is not about pretending those experiences have had no effect, nor is it about returning to precisely the person we were beforehand.”

He added: “Rather, resilience is the capacity to experience difficult things, acknowledge their effect, obtain appropriate support, learn from them, and continue to undertake meaningful work without losing our humanity in the process.”

Building a foundation outside work

While resilience is often framed as something lawyers need to cultivate within their professional lives, Smith argued that much of that resilience is shaped by what exists beyond the workplace.

For family lawyers, in particular, he said, having a strong foundation outside work, meaningful relationships, and a sense of purpose can help provide the support needed to navigate the emotional intensity of the profession.

“I tend to think about resilience in terms of foundation, support, and meaning. We need a sufficiently stable foundation in our lives outside work,” he said.

“We need people around us who know us well enough to notice when something has changed. And we need a sense of meaning in what we do.”

Smith highlighted the power of purpose in helping lawyers withstand the emotional demands of family law, arguing that remembering why the work matters and the lives impacted by it can provide a valuable perspective and meaning.

“Meaning, in particular, can be enormously protective. Family law can be difficult, but remembering why the work matters, and whose lives are affected by the quality of the work we do, provides perspective and purpose,” he said.

For lawyers regularly exposed to difficult stories and highly emotional disputes, maintaining that connection to purpose can help prevent the profession’s challenges from becoming the entirety of their experience of work.

But Smith stressed that the answer is not to make lawyers immune to the experiences they encounter.

“The goal should not be to become bulletproof. I do not think that is either realistic or desirable,” he said.

Instead, he argued that lawyers should be able to remain emotionally responsive to the experiences that genuinely warrant a reaction, while developing the skills, structures and support needed to process those experiences in a healthy way.

“The goal is to remain affected by the things that ought to affect us, while developing the skills, structures and support necessary to carry them well,” he said.